A Surfiet of Pilots, and How to Get Rid of Them
by AikoNamika
Summary: We've all seen those sixth pilot or new set of pilots fics. Hell, some of us have probably written them. But just what is the Gboys's reaction to all of these new pilots...? yaoi


Title: A Surfeit of Pilots, and How to Get Rid of Them  
Author: Aiko Namika  
Fandom: Gundam Wing  
"Pairing": squints Uh…call it 1x2x3x4x5  
Warnings: Attempted humor. A shortparagraph/long sentence of not too graphic sex, and cursing in the end. Oh, and Mary Sues/Gary Stus. A lot of them.  
For: twilightsrain's request for a Mary Sue/Gary Stue that doesn't get the guy  
June fic #5

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**BOOM!**

The explosion rocked the ground of the mega-huge-immensely-important base as several hundreds of Gundams rampaged about in a disorderly fashion. A large percentage of them resembled the original five Gundams to an uncanny degree (mostly Wing and Deathscythe, actually) for some strange, strange reason. The large majority of them were piloted by females, and at least half of them (maybe more like 75 percent) were claiming to be either the Goddess of Death or the actual/second Perfect Soldier.

The original five all stood off to the side, watching everything that went on in a rather shocked silence. They had been fighting the war for several months, occasionally crossing paths with each other as a mission might happen to coincide with that of another, and occasionally two of them would even be assigned to the same mission, and so would work together. However, these last few weeks they had found themselves, for some strange, strange reason, all taking to staying at the same house – even though it was a tactical disadvantage/sheer stupidity to have all of their fighters and firepower concentrated in one spot.

Then there was the most confusing thing of all – everyone knew that Quatre had twenty-nine older sisters. What they _didn't_ know was that he also had a number of twin sisters and younger sisters. The same case seemed to apply to all of the pilots, over half of whom thought they were orphans. All these girl were leaping out of the woodwork and claiming to be related to the Gundam Pilots in some way, shape, or form, and the boys suddenly found themselves superfluous in the war. They didn't _need_ to fight; they had an entire army of relatives to do it for them. Also, they found themselves rescuing random girls from nowhere (that Oz officers whom they had never heard of were plotting against). It was all getting fairly disconcerting.

A brief scuffle broke out amongst some of the fighting Gundams as a girl took exception to another calling herself "Shinimegami" while a third went ahead and used that distraction to claim the title for herself. In the ensuing fight that brought about a quarter of the other fighters into it, several Oz mobile suits took the chance to make an escape. The original five pilots let the Ozzies leave, feeling only immense amounts of pity for the poor guys.

Finally the battle was over, the base was flatter than the ground, and a few piles of rubble dotted the area. The boys braced themselves. This was the bad part. The _really_ bad part. You see, this was the part where all the girls would descend _en masse_ from their Gundams, demand that each of the original pilots go and comfort them for all of the emotional traumas that they had received during the battle. Of course, they had to have one-on-one contact, and absolutely no pilot was allowed to go and comfort more than one girl at a time, and then about half of the girls would start making eyes at the pilots, and then hint that oh, wouldn't some comfort sex be nice?

The males would go off by themselves to stolidly endure the pain that such a harsh battle had caused upon their oh-so-touchy nerves. Some of _them_ expected one of the pilots to go out and commiserate with them so they could spend some male bonding time together.

The pilots themselves avoided the entire thing by fleeing the moment that the battle looked like it was over, and hiding in one of the rooms of the safehouse.

"We're being overrun!" That came from Duo, who, unlike was commonly thought true, was not constantly smiling. The braided pilot looked at his fellows, his (according to most of the official sources) cobalt blue eyes serious. The entire situation was ridiculous, and the longer that any of the random pilots showed up, the quintet would find themselves acting in strange and very out-of-character ways. Quatre seemed to have the most trouble after he discovered his tendency to become a weak, whimpering, emotionally-disturbed creature with less will power than a rock, but Duo thought that he wasn't too far behind. He was getting _really_ tired of having to go about wearing bandages around his wrists, and he'd finally given the others a standing order to hide anything sharp and pointy from him whenever they were too near their following. That, and the fact that he lost all brain power to do anything other than make really, really stupid jokes.

The upsetting difficulties were affecting all of them, and though their progress in the war was going pretty well (after all, who could stand up against an army of Gundam Pilots?), their sanity was going downhill rapidly. What was left to do? Well…that was what this little "council of war" was all about.

"In a situation like this, it would be best to relieve them of all the preconceptions they seem to have about us. I understand that we've attempted to do so before, but this may call for some more…drastic measures," Trowa murmured, though his quiet voice was still heard by the other four.

"Drastic measures?" Wufei questioned. "Like what? I don't see how anything could be more effective than shouting at them to leave us alone." Heero nodded but didn't add anything, concentrating more on making his left eyebrow stop twitching. Anyway, Wufei had stated his thoughts perfectly well.

Suddenly an unholy gleam lit up in Quatre's eyes, and he leaned forward conspiratorially.

"This is what we'll do…" Had any of the subjects of their plot been there, they would have been terrified by the fact that his eyes had a faint sheen of ZERO system gold.

Anna-Marie Rose Maxwell-Yuy-Barton-Winner-Chang strutted confidently down the hallway after making sure that her Ultimate Power ZERO Gundam was safely stowed away. She, the Ultimate Weapon that all the scientists had been training, was finally joining the war effort, and she knew that with her leading the way, they would finally win! After all, the others knew that _she_ was the most powerful of all, and the best fighter in existence.

Her beautiful, long, impossibly-red hair flowed behind her like the train of some amazingly-expensive gown, each strand glowing with health and not even daring to think about coming out of place. Those perfect bangs framed gorgeous eyes the color of flawless emeralds, deep and beautiful, and full of a hidden well of secrets and emotions that she managed to sustain through her horrible, traumatic past. It was because of things like those that had happened to her in her childhood that she had become a Gundam Pilot. That, and the five young boys that she remembered meeting, the boys who had saved her life and had become like brothers to her – the boys she was about to see once more.

A single flawless hand reached out to the doorknob, grasping the metal in a powerful yet delicate grip, and she paused to take a deep breath and prepare herself: she would be seeing them all again, the loves of her life! How excited they would be to see her coming back to them, how joyful their reunion would be! Gracefully, she turned the knob, opened the door, swept into the room –

– and froze in absolute shock and horror.

There, lying on several piles of pillows, were the five boys she had been looking for. Naked. Together. And doing extremely indecent things to each other. How she hadn't managed to hear the moans, groans, and occasional screams through the door before she came in was a mystery, but now that she stood there and stared, the image was clear.

Heero turned and glared at her from where he was thrusting into Duo, who in turn was fucking Trowa and sucking on Quatre's erection, who was being pounded into by Wufei. The half-Asian boy's eyes were hazy, but he gathered up his resources and snarled ferociously at her.

"Go the fuck away! And close the fucking door, bitch!" With that, he turned his attentions back to the boys around him.

After staggering back and slamming the door closed, Anna-Marie Rose Maxwell-Yuy-Barton-Winner-Chang slumped down to the floor in shock, where her brain exploded.

No more random pilots bothered them after that.

-end-

Comment and responses are always welcome! Even if it is flames (as that was the original point when I got the idea – to see just how many people I could offend).


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